Dear Nicholas, Yesterday morning Bob rang the end-of-radiation bell in the hospital hall. Ringing three times is a tradition–now somewhat controversial–for hitting a milestone in cancer treatment. It wasn’t a wildly exuberant moment. We were late finding out about this ceremony and so hadn’t been imagining it. Also, we’re both a little tired.   The […] Read More

Dear Nicholas, I’ve stumbled onto a method that’s helping. I’ve cut in half the amount of time I torment myself daily over old sins, blunders, and regrettable moments. I didn’t think it was possible: less beating up on myself. I’d come to think some self-berating was my fate. Wrong Thoughts I’ve understood for years now […] Read More

Dear Nicholas, I’ve often thought it would be easier to have ordinary straight-up bouts of  anxiety now and then–emotion undisguised– than to deal, as I do, with the long-running twisting anxiety-evasion strategies of OCD.  I rethought this stance on deflected emotion recently while reading the gorgeously well-written and quite moving memoir by Irish actor Gabriel […] Read More

Dear Nicholas, At least once a day I feel greeted by a faceful of new air, air that feels so freshly different from whatever I was used to and already taking for granted. Oblivious though I am to so much, I take regular delight in breathing air. The new air will be crisper or heavier […] Read More

Dear Nicholas, I never knew until now that reaching “a certain age” would lead to one’s people scattering in every direction.  This happened at the end of high school and the end of college, and those experiences felt like normal expected transitions, welcome next steps. However, there was no ceremony and no diploma for this […] Read More

Nicholas–It’s a family tradition of Bob‘s and mine that when we leave a social gathering and get in the car, I say, “Did I talk too much?” I asked him again today after we attended our nephew Franklin Payne’s high school graduation (summa cum laude, salutatorian at Wake Early College of Health and Sciences!)  Afterwards, […] Read More

Dear Nicholas, I am a total wimp about bad smells and bad tastes and right now I’m trying to drink 32 ounces of vile medical test prep liquid that is making me miserable beyond all reason. I hate this. I’m having a terrible time getting the vile liquid down. And I’m running behind on the […] Read More

Well, Nicholas, my beloved husband Bob has come down with a particularly fierce brand of prostate cancer. And the good news is that it hasn’t spread to the rest of him. These last few weeks have been lots of doc appointments and lots of waiting. Waiting for the next medical test. Waiting for medical test […] Read More

Dear Nicholas, Right now (and perhaps forever) I’m coloring instead of meditating. For me, for the moment, it works better. I’d been dutifully and impatiently, sometimes resentfully, doing the meditative mindful breathing routine every morning for a while. Then I realized I was getting a more relaxed, free-of-mental-buzz experience out of the time I spend […] Read More

Dear Nicholas, This past Tuesday, I not only thought it was Wednesday, I bullishly insisted it was. This morning I poured adhesive remover on my head thinking it was dry shampoo. And I recently tried to brush my teeth with hand lotion. I thought I had invented the word “pandementing” but then did a search […] Read More