Sadness In Disguise (TMI alert)

Dear Nicholas, I had no idea I was storing up a couple of years of emotion. I thought I was reacting to Husband Bob’s illnesses and heart crises in a fairly calm and competent manner. Certainly I was doing the best I could. Then after a strange course of events I discovered the pent-up emotion, the long tension, the sadness in disguise.

A Long-Awaited Visit

Three weeks ago on a Monday afternoon we came home from an appointment with Bob’s cardiologist. I’d been pinning a lot of hope on this meeting, for finding out why his heartbeat has had episodes of sputtering that are frightening and dangerous. After many ER visits, the reason was still a mystery.

Mixed Message

I did get some hope from the meeting: the doctor came up with a new strategy for identifying the problem. Hurrah! The sun shone!

He also said, “This is a challenge….I can’t fix everything.”

A mixed message. I mainly paid attention to the positive one: a plan to find a solution.

The Physical Siege

But within an hour of arriving home, I was suddenly immensely tired. And then in short order began a barrage of physical troubles. A baker’s dozen of them, coming and going. Feel free to skip this list:

blurry vision

double vision

drooping eyelid

various aches

 bloated stomach

difficulty doing familiar tasks online

huge fatigue 

muscle weakness

dizziness 

nausea

bad balance

flushes of heat

disorientation in darkness

I’ve felt so healthy for so long and suddenly I was twenty years older, holding onto furniture to keep my balance. And weirdly, stupidly, I felt ashamed to be in such a state. (I think I suspected I’d done this to myself.)

“You Need To See Someone”

You might think I’d have gone straight to a doctor. But these problems came and went in turn for a week so I kept thinking the siege was over. Then a doc I was speaking with on another matter said I’d better see my family doctor, that it could be a TIA, a tiny stroke that leaves no damage.

So on a day when, predictably, I was feeling perfectly fine, I did see my PCP, who rolled her eyes at my not having come sooner and said, “It could be a small stroke, or a thyroid problem, or myasthenia.” Myasthenia?  Of these, a small stroke seemed the preferable.

My Old Brain

She ordered a brain MRI, which happened that night. Report: normal 75 year-old brain. No stroke.  I was relieved, though would have preferred hearing that mine could be the brain of a 25 year-old. Or maybe 50?

Blood tests also looked normal. Symptoms disappeared.

A few days later, I was making a routine drive on Ten-Ten Road and I caught some of the words of a song on the radio, “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” and erupted in tears that lasted for the thirteen miles home and longer– two years worth.

When The Dam Breaks…

A few hours later: euphoria. Lightness!

I hadn’t realized the weight I’d been carrying, now gone.

And now I’m my usual every-day self again, except far more aware of every nuance of my own feeling and of the sadness that everyone carries.

In the meantime, Bob has steadily been feeling pretty good. He has a tremendous ability to live in the moment. Nothing’s wrong right now. So what’s to worry about?

Wrung-out and, at least temporarily, a bit wiser,

Peggy

 

 

Categories: Uncategorized

Tags: bad balance, blurry vision, brain MRI, disguised emotions, dizziness, double vision, drooping eyelid, ER visit, euphoria, heart crises, long tension, myasthenia, need to see someone, pent-up emotion, reacting to husband, small stroke, TIA, total eclipse of the heart, wrung-out