Nicholas, I’m told it’s a bad idea to blog about feeling worthless. I agree. I’m doing it anyway.
This is not a ploy to get people to say encouraging things to me. Nothing anybody could say would help.
I have no excuse for this terrible mood. Quite the reverse.
I went with Bob today for his final check-up at Duke hospital after a medical adventure that began in December, involved three hospitalizations, and nearly killed him. Today’s results? He’s doing great! He’s healthy! And I am so grateful.
We came home in early afternoon. I settled onto the sofa with my laptop to do some work. I woke up four hours later, with the computer slipped off into the cushions. I’d dreamed I was still working on my novel Cobalt Blue, published three years ago.
Woke up feeling like, what? I don’t even know. Feeling discouraged about my novel-in-progress not matching current publishing trends. Not a new situation for me. I seem to be allergic to the zeitgeist. I don’t think I’m just being rebellious, but how would I know? Maybe the close of this medical saga frees my mind to think more about work.
Feeling low low energy. Of course, it makes sense; today’s medical report tells me that one rather challenging chapter of life has ended well. So it’s safe for me to sag a bit.
I’d rather be feeling celebratory. And I am indeed so profoundly relieved.
I already knew, though, that he’s doing great. Today’s report just confirmed what was already clear to me and to Bob.
Maybe it also feels safe now to have a gut-awareness of how things might have turned out. And to feel how helpless I’d have been to change the outcome. Bob seems to think that’s what’s bugging me; that and facing the fact of his/my “ultimate demise.” No doubt that’s true, along with whatever else.
I did a little exercise. Didn’t help.
Kicked myself for squandering time neither working nor playing, instead “resting” when I wasn’t even tired.
I watched a Netflix episode of Scandal, a guaranteed mood-improver. Anyone who has seen any of Scandal will recognize this as sarcasm. Actually there were a couple of you-can-do-it-I-believe-in-myself speeches in the show that I told myself to take to heart. Can’t say that it worked.
Writing this is starting to lift the dark cloud, though, which is irritating. I don’t get to decide my own mood? Now I find myself fighting the impulse to stop feeling worthless. Which reminds me of lines in a Rilke poem quoted in a post by Franciscan priest Richard Rohr:
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
That’s all for now.
Tags: current publishing trends, demise, Duke Hospital, exercise, feeling, feeling discouraged, helpless, irritating episode of Scandal, lift the dark cloud, low energy, medical saga, nearly killed, resting, Rilke, stop feeling worthless, take to heart, terrible mood, what's bugging me, worthless