The Voice Says: “Mama! Mama!”

Dear Nicholas, A voice from some hidden place inside me keeps calling, “mama mama!”, the way severely wounded soldiers sometimes do. The voice keeps speaking up in spite of the fact that I’m feeling fine.

The words come out of me aloud and only when I’m alone.

The other cry for help I’m sometimes surprised to hear myself murmur is “Where’s my daddy?” And once: “Daddy, help my boy!”

Like A Tourette’s-y Blurting

I know that Husband Bob’s ill health is causing this deep unsettlement.    But, I say it again: “I feel just fine.” He’s not in crisis. We happily hang out together at home. I’m not consciously fearful.

When he left rehab in December, we were told he needed 24/7 care. Now he manages well enough for himself that if it weren’t for continuing fall risk, I’d be ready to call off the full-time care.

Am I Out of Touch With My Feelings?

So we’re doing well, yet a buried piece of me seems to feel that we’re too close to the edge of life.Too close to death. I hear the voice, but don’t feel upset. Does this mean I’m not “in touch with my feelings”? If so, I’ll remain out of touch. I do feel notified at least.

I expect that Bob and I will go on as we are for many years. In any event, neither of my highly capable parents could solve the problem of Bob’s health, even if they were alive and present.

What Could They Do, Anyway?

So I guess it’s an old, old habit resurfacing at a time when some pretty serious stuff is going on. An old expectation of help at hand.

Bob does have excellent doctors. Powerful help is at hand.

Still, there’s that old primitive voice. Call it a prayer, which is solace in its self.

Love,

Peggy

 

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Tags: 24/7 care, caregiver, close to death, consciously fearful, continuing fall risk, cry for help, full-time care, help at hand, in touch with my feelings, mama mama, old habit resurfacing, prayer, primitive voice, too close to the edge of life, wounded soldiers