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Emails to my Therapist

Something More Than Love

Nicholas, I said to you once, “I am so welded to Bob.” You said, “I know.” What did we mean by that, I wonder? It’s more than love. More than commitment. It seems to be a biological fact. Like my having two arms.

Not sure when this happened. I know we’d been married two years before I started being married in my dreams.

Can’t begin to say when this additional connection happened. Or began to happen.

And I know of no word for it. It has no name, no history, no sensation. Just is.

Never mind that he’s with some frequency one of the planet’s more cantankerous individuals. Details, good or bad, don’t reach down as far as this welded place. The word “welded” is a metaphor, of course, a clumsy one.

Much as I love language, I think it may be better that there’s no encompassing word. That would seem to draw limits.

I’ve done nothing to earn this thing, wouldn’t have imagined myself capable of it.

Anyway, I’m grateful for it.

Thanks for this conversation, which is also sustaining.




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  • June 27, 2017 at 1:20 pm Reply

    Sweet post! Aren’t we lucky to have found our loves?

    • Peggy Payne
      June 27, 2017 at 1:23 pm Reply

      We are indeed, Mamie!

  • June 27, 2017 at 1:56 pm Reply

    I’m lucky too – about to be married 53 years…..but cantankerous? You ain’t seen nothing until you spend time here!! LOL

    • Peggy Payne
      June 27, 2017 at 2:09 pm Reply

      Funny, kenju! Perhaps we can stage a competition.

  • Judy Lessler
    June 27, 2017 at 2:06 pm Reply

    Melded maybe. Lovely picture of Bob.

    • Peggy Payne
      June 27, 2017 at 2:08 pm Reply

      Excellent word choice, Judy. Except that I don’t feel at all merged. Will ponder this.

  • Stephanie Bass
    June 27, 2017 at 3:22 pm Reply

    Welded bliss. I too am lucky that way.

    • Peggy Payne
      June 27, 2017 at 3:42 pm Reply

      I’m not surprised, Stephanie. And a nice turn of phrase!

  • June 27, 2017 at 3:23 pm Reply

    The way you write about this strikes me as the essence of the kind of smarts, well wisdom actually, that comes with living a long time. It is not that these things were not always true, or that we didn’t know them. But with years the knowing becomes louder and clearer. Time and perspective maybe do this for us. Maybe God. Surely something true and important. Thank you so much for these posts. Love to you both.

    • Peggy Payne
      June 27, 2017 at 3:47 pm Reply

      I think some kind of loosening happens. (I’d like that to also happen to my left shoulder) Anyway, living a while does seem to have some great advantages, as you point out on your gravy years blog. Many thanks, Randee.

  • Ann Hammon
    June 27, 2017 at 5:55 pm Reply

    When my husband died three years ago of an orphan cancer, we had been married 38 1/2 years. I met him as a college freshman, barely 17. We married when I was 18. He is so much a part of me it’s been more than difficult trying to discover if there’s a me separate from the we. I’m reclaiming part of my young life, but every part of me is infused with him, and the work of that 38 1/2 years.

    • Peggy Payne
      June 27, 2017 at 6:21 pm Reply

      Starting together so young, Ann, I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be. I’m sorry. I do wish you well with every daily bit of progress.

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