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Cobalt Blue: A Novel

A novel for courageous readers and seekers, COBALT BLUE is a turbulent, gorgeous ride into sacred sex..

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New to the Vulnerable Category

May 21, 2020
Dear Nicholas, Because I’m healthy and was a well-fed well-behaved child, I’m not used to thinking of myself in the at-risk or vulnerable category. It’s something of a shock now to be considered because of my age–a modest 71–vulnerable to catching coronavirus and dying. I don’t believe I’m going to catch this bug and die. But […] Read More

Quarantine Dreams and Sleep Disturbance

April 28, 2020
Dear Nicholas, I’m curious about the quarantine dreams that I’m told the majority of us are having. My own tally so far: first nightmare I remember ever having and several nights of difficulty getting to sleep, all since the virus and lockdown began. It had been a long time since I’d had any difficulty sleeping. […] Read More

Surprising Contentment + Free-Floating Sadness

April 19, 2020
Dear Nicholas,  I’m surprised to find how satisfied I am by my quarantine routine: work/weed/eat/read and, of course, hang out with Bob. I’m also taken by surprise by each upwelling of free-floating sadness. Certainly it’s no surprise to be sad over the world-wide ravages of the virus. I’m assuming that’s what saddens me. How could […] Read More

do the best you can

Do The Best You Can?

April 8, 2020
Dear Nicholas, The advice to “Do the best you can” is usually reassuring to hear–means: doesn’t have to be perfect, just give it a good shot. However, when it’s important, doing my best takes on a different urgency. And here’s the problem: how do we ever know if we’ve done the best we can? A […] Read More

Hypervigilance: As If The Whole World Has OCD

March 20, 2020
Dear Nicholas, The way people are thinking now in order to deal with coronavirus is curiously familiar to me. People have adopted all-day hypervigilance–spraying germ-killers, standing six feet apart, not doing x, being sure to do y, holding continuous awareness of what’s the correct or incorrect next step. Getting Every Move Right It’s the very […] Read More

Putting Ranting Aside…

March 2, 2020
Dear  Nicholas, I feel morally obligated to say in a calm and reasonable manner how I am going to vote and why. If I can un-muddle and focus on putting ranting aside. I think a lot of us are pretty worn down by political friction. The image that comes to my mind is the paradoxical […] Read More

Not Allowed Out

February 10, 2020
Dear Nicholas, My memories of the shock of curfew in India are stirred by the current quarantines to stop the spread of coronavirus. I don’t argue with the need for these limits. Still, to be suddenly not allowed out of a small space for an undisclosed period of time is a strange and unforgettable sensation. […] Read More

new year's theme

My New Year’s Theme: It May Be Too Big For One Year

January 27, 2020
Dear Nicholas, The once-a-month lunch group of spiritual seekers I’ve met with for the last twenty years had its annual New Year’s Theme discussion today, each of us talking about the theme we’ve chosen for ourselves for the new year. We fondly call ourselves Mystic Pizza, though we eat at the K&W cafeteria. The idea […] Read More

caregiver spouse

Patient Doing Great; Caregiver Spouse Collapsed in a Worthless Heap

January 20, 2020
  Dear Nicholas, Bob had his aorta surgery Thursday, got out of the hospital Saturday, and seems perfectly normal on Sunday night. In contrast, I’ve spent most of today on the sofa in a stupor of doze-snack-read-repeat. It’s a tiny example of what I’ve always heard about the wear and tear on a long-term caregiver […] Read More

A Mr. Rogers Type Solution to Depression (and Everything Else)

January 11, 2020
Nicholas — Okay, I’m a little depressed over Husband Bob’s ongoing health misadventures. Even though I know he’s not in mortal danger, any more than we all are, I still find myself a little low. And today I had a thought that helps. For me it’s at least a partial solution to depression, inspired by […] Read More