Novelist Struggles With Rapper’s Block: Email to My Therapist
Nicholas, In the flurry of book promotion three years ago when Cobalt Blue came out, I dreamed up a fabulous idea: write a sales rap for all my books. Make a rap video. I was so excited. I wrote the lyrics. I’ve been making pathetic attempts to rap ever since.
I was advised from the start to forget rap. I showed a few friends video of early versions. My friend Joe (who writes about narcissism and shame) emailed me: “…This is a project best abandoned.” Has a way with words, doesn’t he?
I’ve finally decided Joe’s right. I now declare my rap video career over. In solemn remembrance of this earnest effort, I post here the lyrics.
Rap of an Elder Writer
Slowly writing, writing books My speed has gotta climb Working working getting old I’m running out of time
Facial aging I’m not fearing That’s not it at all I just do my Helen Mirren And my trusty Southern drawl
Plus, my novels, they are lively They deal with sex and God How the two are intertwined How the sexual is divine Whoa, the theme’s a lightning rod
But enough of such seduction What about my page production I have passed age 65 No problem with that number If it’s just a speed to drive
I’m mostly-Medicared for Somewhat Socially Secured But money isn’t everything My scribblings must endure
I mean my books. I’ve published 3 or 4 And my readers, I’d love to have lots more.
See, I want to be immortal Don’t we all, of course we do These books could be my portal If my message touches you.
I’ve had some nice reviews Wouldn’t want to boast But folks have said nice things In The Times and The Post
Cobalt Blue the hottest I highly recommend For sure it’s the oddest A woman in a spin
Not too intellectual A touch of tantra and voodoo Darkly over-sexual The senator should sue
Revelation was my first one With a preacher in a spin God is quite a challenge As is life without a sin
If you lust for foreign travel Sister India’s your trip I spent a winter on the Ganges taking notes but not a dip.
Writing novels is my dharma Stories somewhat weird I’m building up strange karma It’s the way my soul is geared.
I hope you’ll be entranced By these stories deep delicious Your life will be enhanced By this choice that’s so auspicious
Cobalt Blue a lot erotic Revelation full of signs, Sister India exotic Tales of many spiritual kinds
For nonfiction recreation Read Healing Power of Doing Good My one book collaboration Make life better in your hood.
So the name is Peggy Payne That’s P-e-g-g-y Please store this in your brain That’s Payne with a Y
I won’t sugarcoat this Buy my books, and tell your friends You know why I wrote this Which is how this sales rap ends
Except to say this one more thing Gods and bods they intersect One fine way that we connect
So that’s the way my stories go Earthy with a gold halo.
I do thank you for this opportunity for closure. I feel much better now.
Tags: attempts to rap, auspicious, block, book promotion, buy my books, closure, darkly over-sexual, earthy, getting old, Helen Mirren, my dharma, my therapist, narcissism and shame, novelist struggles, page production, preacher, rap video, sales rap, strange karma, tantra and voodoo, want to be immortal, writing books