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Cobalt Blue: A Novel

A novel for courageous readers and seekers, COBALT BLUE is a turbulent, gorgeous ride into sacred sex..

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John Updike, noticing

Noticing is Nearly Everything

September 22, 2021
Dear Therapist Nicholas, I’m currently submerged in a 900+ page book that has reminded me, with the force of a large ocean wave, of the practice of noticing. It’s not much of an exaggeration to say that noticing is nearly everything. Paying attention is the practice that (ideally) precedes decision and action. It’s a requirement […] Read More

Girls Who Can’t Read Break My Heart

August 20, 2021
Dear Nicholas, I’ve never been to Afghanistan, but have long felt a bit of my heart is there. This was true ever since I heard at lunch one day years ago that only 15% of Afghani women could read. The Taliban, now in charge in the country, placed multiple bars to girls’ education during their […] Read More

Ringing The Radiation Bell

August 4, 2021
Dear Nicholas, Yesterday morning Bob rang the end-of-radiation bell in the hospital hall. Ringing three times is a tradition–now somewhat controversial–for hitting a milestone in cancer treatment. It wasn’t a wildly exuberant moment. We were late finding out about this ceremony and so hadn’t been imagining it. Also, we’re both a little tired.   The […] Read More

How I’ve Cut Back on Beating Up on Myself

July 26, 2021
Dear Nicholas, I’ve stumbled onto a method that’s helping. I’ve cut in half the amount of time I torment myself daily over old sins, blunders, and regrettable moments. I didn’t think it was possible: less beating up on myself. I’d come to think some self-berating was my fate. Wrong Thoughts I’ve understood for years now […] Read More

Emotion Undisguised

June 30, 2021
Dear Nicholas, I’ve often thought it would be easier to have ordinary straight-up bouts of  anxiety now and then–emotion undisguised– than to deal, as I do, with the long-running twisting anxiety-evasion strategies of OCD.  I rethought this stance on deflected emotion recently while reading the gorgeously well-written and quite moving memoir by Irish actor Gabriel […] Read More

The Many Delights of Breathing Air

June 17, 2021
Dear Nicholas, At least once a day I feel greeted by a faceful of new air, air that feels so freshly different from whatever I was used to and already taking for granted. Oblivious though I am to so much, I take regular delight in breathing air. The new air will be crisper or heavier […] Read More

People Scattering Like It’s Graduation

June 7, 2021
Dear Nicholas, I never knew until now that reaching “a certain age” would lead to one’s people scattering in every direction.  This happened at the end of high school and the end of college, and those experiences felt like normal expected transitions, welcome next steps. However, there was no ceremony and no diploma for this […] Read More

Did I Talk Too Much?

May 27, 2021
Nicholas–It’s a family tradition of Bob‘s and mine that when we leave a social gathering and get in the car, I say, “Did I talk too much?” I asked him again today after we attended our nephew Franklin Payne’s high school graduation (summa cum laude, salutatorian at Wake Early College of Health and Sciences!)  Afterwards, […] Read More

The Vile Test Prep Liquid That Is Ruining My Life at the Moment

May 19, 2021
Dear Nicholas, I am a total wimp about bad smells and bad tastes and right now I’m trying to drink 32 ounces of vile medical test prep liquid that is making me miserable beyond all reason. I hate this. I’m having a terrible time getting the vile liquid down. And I’m running behind on the […] Read More

Some Bad News and Some Good News: Medical Test Results

April 28, 2021
Well, Nicholas, my beloved husband Bob has come down with a particularly fierce brand of prostate cancer. And the good news is that it hasn’t spread to the rest of him. These last few weeks have been lots of doc appointments and lots of waiting. Waiting for the next medical test. Waiting for medical test […] Read More