Sitting With a Loved One in Pain

Dear Nicholas, There’s a special kind of pain in watching someone you love hurt. Likely all of us have had this experience. And there is no painkiller that touches the one watching their loved one in pain.

If it’s prolonged and repeated, there comes instead a fierce tensing up in reaction, as if to defend him, and
a mind-numbing that feels like fog.

Husband Bob is leaving Duke Hospital after a pretty rough week. He he’s had a long list of troubles with his vertebrae and hip joints. It’s medical guesswork to know which is the biggest source of pain.

The First Shock

The first time I was with Bob during an awful medical procedure was about a year ago. I clung to his arm with both hands and cried through his whole experience. When it was over, he seemed fine. I continued to sob. In fact, I was just getting going, building up steam. He said, “Wish I could cry like that.” He wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. His doctor said, “Her heart hurts because you hurt.”

Now he has been fending off big pain for weeks. I’ve stopped crying. But it’s still hard. And I draw back from helping him move or doing anything useful that would briefly hurt him more. Overriding that is an important skill in nursing. I’m pretty much useless for anything but being company and distraction. I take comfort in the fact that he so values that. We’re both treasuring still having this time together.

Intense and Intimate

Almost had a replay this week of that incident a year ago. A nurse asked me to go with him for an injection into his hip joint.  Long, big-gauge needle into the center of the joint, all visible on live-action X-ray. I told myself I wouldn’t look at the screen.

But then the doctor said I couldn’t stay in the room. She’d once had a family member faint and fall to the floor during the procedure. At that point, she had two patients instead of one.

So I waited out in the hall. Afterwards, Bob said it had gone fine, didn’t hurt all that bad. And it has helped him. He’s feeling a bit better, though still not going out for track. (Above, one of my favorite pictures of him, celebrating our 15th anniversary. We’re now at 42.)

The Exhale

Now that he’s more comfortable, I feel as if I’ve had a big gym workout. My muscles are sore. Maybe I’m starting to relax, for the moment anyway.

Wishing health and happiness to all,

Peggy

 

Also, people at Duke Hospital have been so good to us that I feel inspired to be nice to everyone I see and do everything with excellence and great care.

 

 

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Tags: awful medical procedure, big pain, Duke Hospital, fending off, heart hurts, kind of pain, mind-numbing, sitting with a loved one, skill in nursing, someone you love, source of pain, tensing up, watching someone you love