A Year of 24/7 Caregiving Has Changed Me In 7 Surprising Ways

Dear Nicholas,

My first 76 years of life were decidedly free-wheeling. For one thing, I’ve been self-employed since 1972, setting my own schedules. For years, much of my work was far-flung travel writing. Moreover, I’ve never had responsibility for a child.  Domesticity is not my thing. It has come as a surprise to me that this past year of 24/7 caregiving has changed me in important ways that I value.

My husband Bob, my sweetheart of 43+ years, came home from rehab near the end of 2024 needing someone around all the time, mainly because he was at risk of falls. I had never imagined I was capable of staying home almost all the time (he has an aide with him two afternoons a week when I see friends, buy groceries, etc.)

Learning On The Job

Turns out I can do this. And  taking care of my increasingly ailing husband has been, in spite of the losses and difficulties, surprisingly fulfilling and satisfying.  In addition to the hard, frightening, messy, tedious, frustrating parts, it has been a time of new intimacy with him and of self-discovery.

The List

Starting with the largest, here are the changes in me.

My mental health is better.  The type of OCD that has been with me since age five takes the form of obsessive fear of making mistakes, doing harm,”doing wrong.” I knew as a little kid interested in biology that I couldn’t be a doctor because I couldn’t face the possibility of error. And so handling Bob’s medications initially frightened me. The surprise: I grew accustomed to the responsibility. I don’t live in fear of making a mistake.

Writing is easier. Perhaps because I’m not focusing on it so fiercely, I find that doing my work feels lighter. I’ve recently finished the second draft of a new novel and done so with almost no sense of struggle.

I can do things I was sure I couldn’t.  Before this experience, I couldn’t get a splinter out of Bob’s finger because I feared I’d hurt him. Now I can rip off a medication patch without hesitation  because I know in a gut way that this is needed and helps him.

Putting out food three times a day isn’t as life-consuming as I thought, even while avoiding salt and over-processed food, etc. Not winning any cooking prizes, but Bob is very appreciative anyway. On my very worst effort, his comment was: “This is an interesting experiment.” He has some memory loss and his mobility is much diminished but he still has his wit and wisdom. He has handled illness with such grace and courage–no surprise–also with such evenness of temper, a bit of a surprise.

I’m accepting help. I can’t manage everything on my own. My dear generous brother Franc is building a wheelchair ramp and walk from our porch to the driveway which will make life so much easier.

I’m physically stronger than ever before. We live in a wooded area and pushing a wheelchair on dirt and gravel from house to car is a serious workout.

I’m focused on the present. Not thinking too much about the future, not trying to foresee and solve problems in advance.  Just trying to meet the needs of the day and that’s a-plenty.

Even with the positive aspects of our situation, I’d of course far rather have Bob in good health, both for him and for me. But it is profoundly gratifying to find surprise gifts at this edge of life.

Hoping all’s well at your house.

Love,

Peggy

 

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Tags: 24/7 caregiving, accepting help, caregiving has changed, fulfilling and satisfying, mental health is better, needing someone around all the time, pushing a wheelchair, risk of falls, some memory loss, staying home almost all the time, wheelchair ramp and walk, writing is easier