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Tell Me Which Opening You Like Best for My Novel

I'm on the verge of getting my first novel Revelation (Simon & Schuster, 1988) out in digital form.  And I've been having second thoughts about which set of paragraphs should open the story: the one that I first turned in to my editor, or the material that I added which served as the opening of the published book. 

I would love for you to tell me which sequence you find more engaging.  Both chapters will contain the same material, simply placed in a different order.

So, what do you think:  A or B?

 

A.

Swain hits the brakes and all the books on the car seat beside him shoot forward onto the floor. A Jeep swerves out around him, the driver yelling, but he can't hear a sound through the guy's closed window. The last Swain sees as the car flashes past is the man's finger pointing him to look up. He does as he's told and looks: red light. When did they put a light in here? There was never a light here.

He sighs, shrugs, backs his car out of the intersection and sits motionless, his elbow on the hot window frame in the midsummer heat.  Six o'clock and it's still this hot. The smell of the road tar rises up around him.

He stares for a moment at the books spilled onto the floor, then slowly piles them back on the seat. Eschatology and Ethics. New World Metaphysics. The Science of Theology. He shakes cold coffee off the bottom book. Damn. He finds the mug, empty now, and puts it back on the seat. Somebody behind him honks. Okay, okay, he thinks, and pulls out.

 I should have demolished that guy, kept going and plowed right through him, or at least yelled something. One good “fuck you.” Once in my life l'd like to do that. The one time I ever do, it'll tum out to be somebody from the congregation.  Or someone who sees the Clergy hospital parking sticker and writes an outraged letter to the newspaper.

He presses his head back against the headrest, trying to loosen his neck muscles. Nothing is more irritating than sitting in a seminar with a bunch of other ministers all day. All of them working so hard at being warm and sensitive.  

 In all his life, Swain would never have said that he was called to the ministry. After spending a day with his colleagues, he still occasionally questions how it happened. But in his heart, he knows. He simply grew up certain that it would be so — that he would be a preacher. Not because of any belief he could actually pin down. Instead, it was because of a powerful lifelong desire that there be “something else." He wanted there to be more to life than he himself had seen or felt so far-something to ease his chronic vague dissatisfaction, to subdue the irritation he tries to keep reined in.

 

 

OR to begin with this order:

 

B.

 

 In all his life, Swain would never have said that he was called to the ministry. After spending a day with his colleagues, he still occasionally questions how it happened. But in his heart, he knows. He simply grew up certain that it would be so — that he would be a preacher. Not because of any belief he could actually pin down. Instead, it was because of a powerful lifelong desire that there be “something else." He wanted there to be more to life than he himself had seen or felt so far-something to ease his chronic vague dissatisfaction, to subdue the irritation he tries to keep reined in.  

 Some would consider that yearning a too-slim, or very selfish, reason for the choice he made, but it was enough for Swain. So, after Yale and one brief stint as an associate minister, he came home to Chapel Hill to be the pastor at Westside Presbyterian. He and Julie live in a neighborhood a few blocks back from the fraternity and sorority houses along Franklin Street, the wide avenue that divides the campus from the town.

Swain hits the brakes and all the books on the car seat beside him shoot forward onto the floor. A Jeep swerves out around him, the driver yelling, but he can't hear a sound through the guy's closed window. The last Swain sees as the car flashes past is the man's finger pointing him to look up. He does as he's told and looks: red light. When did they put a light in here? There was never a light here.

 

Again, all of the same material will appear in either one; my question is essentially what's the best opening graf?  Which engages you more?  

Thanks for considering this.

(A little background on the book: it's about a liberal intellectual minister in a Chapel Hill church who hears God speaking aloud.  His congregation, hearing this news, thinks he needs help and his job, his ministry, is in danger.  It's a serious dilemma, not an Oh-God-type comedy.  The New York Times said,"Peggy Payne's first novel is very good….The author has the real thing: you want to find out what is going to happen."  Publishers Weekly said, "Payne writes with lyricism and deep understanding."  Synergy Films owns screen rights.)

 

 

 

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Comments

  • Lynne Wogan
    February 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm Reply

    I like the first one. Obviously the conventional life of the ministers is really getting to him…makes you wonder why and want to read more..

    • February 10, 2012 at 3:56 pm Reply

      Thanks, Lynne. And I appreciate your giving me your reasoning.

  • Mamie
    February 10, 2012 at 5:28 pm Reply

    "A" is a jolt into the novel; "B" is a slide. I get a very different sense of the main character in the two openings.   It has been many years since I read Revelation, but I think of him as being a man of thought rather than action.  If I am remembering correctly, then I think "B" sets the tone better.  

    • February 13, 2012 at 10:49 am Reply

      I like the choice between a jolt and a slide, Mamie.

  • February 10, 2012 at 6:14 pm Reply

    I'm partial to A. You're on your way on a hot day, the traffic, the heat from the car, the spilled coffee on the books, rings of a true day and a great lead into his thoughts.

    • February 13, 2012 at 10:48 am Reply

      I do appreciate your weighing in, Mary.

  • February 10, 2012 at 6:53 pm Reply

    I like the first one as well. Actually, I like both of them, but I think the first one grabs the reader more quickly. 

  • February 10, 2012 at 9:03 pm Reply

    Hi Peggy, I read Revelation a couple of years ago and really enjoyed it.  For some reason, I remember A being the original but of course, I might think that because I prefer it?  I think that discovering that Swain is in the ministry immediately leaves less to the imagination than setting the situation up and THEN letting the reader in on that.  In my opinion A intrigues the reader to continue on but B puts everything out there right away.
     
    I hope that helps a little:)  Exciting to hear that your book is going to E-reader format!  Mazel!
     
    Hugs,
    Debbie

    • February 13, 2012 at 10:47 am Reply

      Thanks, Debbie. Mazel back atcha!

  • February 11, 2012 at 5:46 am Reply

    A. 

    • February 13, 2012 at 10:46 am Reply

      Thanks, Kim. And congratulations on news of sale of your novel to Dzanc!! Very exciting.

  • February 11, 2012 at 6:38 am Reply

    This is fun!  "B" is most interesting to me, just because I'm always more interested in a character's state of mind that the external plot.  But I agree that "A" is the stronger opening. I also wonder if the action in the first paragraph will have echoes later on — like missing other messages from above? It has been a long time since I read REVELATION, looking forward to reading it again.

    • February 13, 2012 at 10:45 am Reply

      I love your comment about missing messages from above, Mary. Also, I’m having a great time with this. It’s sort of like throwing a party to discuss how I should wear my hair — narcissistically gratifying as well as informative.

  • Lineta
    February 11, 2012 at 8:55 am Reply

    I'm much more compelled by the 2nd one than the first — I think because it introduces the character as a minister rather than any man hot and frustrated at a busy intersection…and leads you into his life from the first sentence.
     
    But I was certainly compelled when your novel came out to read it with the A — go with your gut again!!

    • February 13, 2012 at 10:43 am Reply

      I’m flattered that you remember how it started the first time, Lineta. Thanks for your vote. And did you see yourself quoted from an old Raleigh Times story in, I think, The Week a couple of months ago?

  • February 11, 2012 at 12:02 pm Reply

    B sounds real & original to me while A sounds educated with action. Love, Eileen

    • February 13, 2012 at 10:42 am Reply

      Educated? That’s interesting. I’m not sure I understand, Eileen. Do clarify, if you will.

  • Walt
    February 11, 2012 at 12:18 pm Reply

    A for action.

    • February 13, 2012 at 10:41 am Reply

      You summed it up very well, Walt. Thanks.

  • Julie Davis
    February 11, 2012 at 2:59 pm Reply

    I like "A" better.  It puts you right in the middle of the action and into Swain's thoughts and feelings.  The second one seems to be "telling, not showing."

    I've always wanted to read "Revelation" but can't find it at the local library.  I may have to break down and buy it 🙂

    • February 13, 2012 at 10:41 am Reply

      Soon it will be out as an ebook, Julie. And very reasonably priced. Thanks for your vote.

  • February 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm Reply

    B. It’s the perfect intro to Swain and makes what is about to come all the more poignant And Revelation is one of my fave novels

    • February 13, 2012 at 10:39 am Reply

      Thanks, and I’m delighted Revelation is one of your faves.

  • February 12, 2012 at 6:34 am Reply

    I like A because it's dramatic and we've all been there.  It also gives us a sense of who he is (the book titles) without being in your face.  Then when we discover he's a minister, it sets up the conflict nicely.  My two cents.  Great stuff, either way!

    • February 13, 2012 at 10:39 am Reply

      Thanks, Beth. I’m also glad you like it either way.

  • Susan Parry
    February 12, 2012 at 7:06 am Reply

    I like A.  It does say something about the character's state of mind, and it's so real.

    • February 13, 2012 at 10:38 am Reply

      Real is sure what I’m shooting for. Thanks, Susan.

  • Margaret Anderson
    February 12, 2012 at 10:18 am Reply

    The responses are interesting. Looks like it depends on whether you are drawn to character or action. I was taken by the first one A. And felt the second one (first paragraph) dragged a bit.
    Margaret Anderson

  • February 26, 2012 at 1:30 pm Reply

    By "educated" I meant that it sounded like it was written with and for a purpose. That's all. What I would suggest is to go with what you like best and not listen to me. If it were me, I'd leave it as it was originally written. Take care, Eileen

    • February 27, 2012 at 1:50 pm Reply

      I find myself making only very tiny changes, Eileen. And I can’t seem to resist doing that.

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